It is 11.42pm on a Sunday night and there is this friggin bug crawling around in one of my binded books. Inside the binded part so I couldn't get to it.
I tried to squash it. I swear, I was already preparing myself to greet the mangled mess on my book. I was willing to sacrifice my clean notes to spill some bug blood, but apparently the bug did some kungfu style hop jump thing and landed inside the safe haven that is the inside of the binded part.
A picture to illustrate what a binded book looks like. It went in between the black spiral bind and the sheets of paper itself.
Sorry I couldn't find a picture with no watermark. People with binded books probably didn't want to put pictures of their binded books on the net for fear of the bugs discovering their existence and planning a massive bug invasion on them.
Hey, this might seem far fetched, but do you know what happens on the inside of a bug's mind?? No you don't, so don't argue with me.
Props for being an unconventional smart bug. I sincerely applaud you.
Not!
I mean why, WHY would (okay lets call the bug 'Feely' since it has really long feelers. I am totally serious, it's feelers are equivalent to the length of China's longest chopsticks. The affectionate name 'Feely' is to distract myself from murderous thoughts and irritation I am currently experiencing.) a bug want to crawl into one of my books??
There are so many, much more appetising places. For example, maybe the drain, or maybe the grime filled floor so typically found at many places (though not in my house), or maybe, yeah just maybe on FOOD?? But why, oh why, dearest Feely, must you decide to mountain trek on my books? Isn't there a better place for you to be? In human terms, it's as if you had a year long holiday and you just decided that you would rather spend the whole year locked up in your smelly and messy room reading about [ insert most boring topic to read about ever ].
What is SO appealing about my books that would entice you to take a trip there huh? Is it nice smelling?? (maybe because I've touched it? heh heh ) Is it because the texture of the paper looks so smooth you couldn't wait to rub your little spindly bug legs on it (which I so wanna chop off) in delight? Is it because your ginormous feelers thought my book was some sort of holy object and they pointed you in that direction?
Wait! I know! Feely probably wanted to learn about Plate Tectonics!! Wow, seems like such a logical explanation right?
Well dear little Feely, please don't be shy. Just try and tell me that you really want to learn something new, that you feel that your whole life you've been trying to find something purposeful to do, you want to educate yourself, to be more intelligent, to learn about how the Indian plate collided with the Eurasian plate to form the Himalayas, to go where no sane bug has gone before!
And I will squash your little brains with my tissue paper and crush your minute body in between my fingers!!!! GRRRRR
Just kidding. I have a great fear of squashing bugs. Thankfully little Feely is only 5mm or a little more. It's feelers probably making it 1metre.....hmmm...
So anyway, back to what happened. It was running around in between the binded plastic part and the pages and so I tried to create a typhoon like experience so I blew into the binded part and it probably was stunned for a while so it just kept still in the middle. And I couldn't get it out.
So much for 'Typhoon bug kill' huh?
Eventually after pausing for quite long (probably admiring the scenery. Or hopefully praying for it's damn life), it went to the edge of the book. Which means it went from the bottom of the page to the top of the page. So I was frantically trying to empty it into my bin, using whatever method I could - shaking the book vigorously, blowing into the binded part with all my might till my face turned blue, using telekenisis (or at least trying) to lift the bug out of its position and to its doom, thinking of poking it with a chopstick ( I mean, fight chopstick with chopstick right? Sounds sensible to me..) but I was afraid of it dying inside the binded part itself so I would live with its blood on my geography notes forever - but alas, it was to no avail.
So I opened up the plastic bag which was in my bin and blew and blew and blew. And by some heavenly miracle, little Feely got whooped by my breath and flew into the plastic bag. Upon discovering that it was finally off my book, I quickly tied up the plastic bag, quite tightly I might say, and multiple times.
And although Little Feely did not die the way I wanted it to, and although Little Feely, at this instant, is very much alive and kicking, I reckon it shall die a slow, painful, death inside my plastic bag due to the lack of oxygen.
Goodbye Little Feely. May your future descendents avoid places they should not go ( if you even have any.... which I doubt....because you're one hella ugly bug! I pity you, to be born without enough sense, and to be born with not so good features, especially your feelers... they must have brought you alot of misery :( )
Don't worry Feely, your misery will end very very soon. Just stay calm and do some yoga or something.
But if some divine act of bug justice were to occur and you actually manage to escape from the suffocation chamber I so ingeniously constructed for you and live, I really really respect your perseverance and your will for survival and I will hence allow you to live the rest of your life fruitfully and with much conviction. And if that happens I solemnly promise to never hurt, or attempt to hurt (though I must say I cannot promise you that I will not think of hurting ), any part of your body ever again. Even if you crawl in between the pages, I will not kill you. Unless, you decide to spray some bug pee on my notes or decide that you want to stay there forever ( of which you are violating the terms of agreement that I have with you and I shall be forced to slay you once again ).
So yes, Goodbye Feely. I won't miss you.
(finished. At 12.44am . )
The End.
Labels: friggin bug
